


Stay Still and Let Me Hold You

by LadyOxymoron



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-21 01:15:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17633294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyOxymoron/pseuds/LadyOxymoron
Summary: Magnus shows no intention of slowing down anytime soon. Alec has barely leaned over to kiss him that he’s already pulling back, standing and zooming out of the room faster than Alec can blink.That’s enough, Alec thinks.*Wherein breakfast leads to a heart to heart and nail polish mishaps.





	Stay Still and Let Me Hold You

 

 

 

Alec groans as the harsh sunlight hits his eyes. He’s still trying to process what is happening when Magnus puts a breakfast tray front of him, a vase  with a single flower in the middle of it.

And did Magnus just call him _pup_?

Magnus is moving and talking so fast, Alec can’t possibly catch up with him. Among the fog in his brain, he manages to make out some words that allows him to figure out Magnus has gone to the farmer’s market in order to put together breakfast for him.

It’s rather sweet and he says it. It would be sweeter if he didn’t know this was Magnus’ way of overcompensating. That, he keeps to himself.

Magnus says he wants to make the most of Alec’s day off but what Alec hears is that he wants to make the most of everything, now that he can feel time pass by like sand sliding through his fingers.

It wasn’t like this, at first. Magnus spent the first two days in a quiet stupor, knocking down drink after drink until he was so drunk on whiskey and despair he could barely stand. On the third day, all traces of alcohol were gone and Alec witnessed the transition from a quiet and apathetic Magnus to this overly cheerful, fast paced Magnus. It was like as if by moving so fast, Magnus thought he could outrun reality.

But reality has a way to catch up just as quickly, Alec knows it too well. Reality is just one step behind, waiting for a misstep, ready to sink its sharp teeth on your ankles when you inevitably slow down.

Magnus shows no intention of slowing down anytime soon. Alec has barely leaned over to kiss him that he’s already pulling back, standing and zooming out of the room faster than Alec can blink.

 _That’s enough_ , Alec thinks.

He’s been trying to be as supportive as possible but he can’t allow Magnus to keep going on like this. He can’t just stand there and watch as Magnus puts on shield after shield, layer after layer. He can’t allow Magnus to cut everyone out and pretend everything is okay when it’s clearly not.

Thing is, Alec doesn’t know how to fix it. He doesn’t know how to fix any of the things that are falling apart in his life and in the lives of the people he loves. He also knows he can’t afford to focus on more than one problem at once and, right now, Magnus is his priority. He owes him as much after all he’s sacrificed for Alec.

And that’s another thing that keeps Alec awake at night. That deep guilt born from knowing he’s the reason Magnus has lost his magic.

He’s also ashamed of the part of himself that has always wondered how growing old with Magnus would be.

He entertained these thoughts in the past, way before Magnus lost his magic for real. He was so focused on how Magnus’ immortality would affect _himself_ that he didn’t consider how mortality would affect _Magnus_.

Not anymore. Not when he’s been witnessing first-hand Magnus’ struggle to keep afloat as everything crumbles around him. Not when he’s been watching him cling to the wreckage of his life.

Sometimes, to understand the magnitude of something, you have to witness its effects, Alec thinks. It’s like the cold winter rain, when the sky is so dark you can’t see the water falling but you can feel it hammering against your skin. Now Alec understands. And he’s going to try his best to be there for Magnus. To help him get back what he’s lost.

The food on the tray is still untouched and Alec doubts Magnus has bothered with eating any so he picks it up on his way to the living room.

Magnus is keeping himself busy by cleaning the kitchen counter, barely looking up when he hears the sound the tray makes as Alec puts it down on the table.

Alec walks to him and leans over the counter. “This can wait,” he says, grabbing his hand and stilling it mid-swipe. “Breakfast first.”

Magnus glances at the breakfast tray, avoiding Alec’s gaze. “I’ve made that for you.”

“You said you wanted to make the most of my day off.” Alec pries Magnus’ fingers open and takes away the cloth. “And I’d like to start it by having breakfast with my boyfriend.”

Alec can pinpoint the exact moment he wins the argument. He smiles as Magnus opens a drawer and takes out a second set of cutlery.

They settle into a quiet breakfast and Alec is just happy to do some small talk, gearing himself up for the serious conversation he knows is coming. As they get through the last of the food, Alec keeps an eye on Magnus, knowing he’ll sprint away to keep himself busy with some meaningless task as soon as they’ll be done.

As if on cue, as soon as Magnus drinks the last of his juice and puts his glass down, he stands and reaches out for the empty plates. “I’m going to wash these, darling.”

“Slow down.” Alec reaches out and grabs Magnus’ wrist. “We’ll clean up later. Just.. slow down and stay with me.”

“What is it, Alexander?” Magnus asks and Alec is glad to notice he’s sitting down again.

He doesn’t release the grip on Magnus’ wrist. “Why there has to be something? Maybe I just want to enjoy your company,” he says, sliding his hand up until he’s holding Magnus’ hand instead. Then he sighs. “But you’re right. I need to talk to you.”

“I’m all ears.” Magnus smiles but his smile has an edge to it. It’s too bright, too sharp. Alec misses his genuine smiles.

“I just want to help you,” he admits quietly, thumb rubbing small circles on the back on Magnus’ hand. “But I don’t know how if you won’t talk to me.”

“I’m perfectly fine, Alec,” Magnus says and Alec’s heart aches at the bitterness that’s creeping into his voice. “I just need to adjust.”

Alec shakes his head. “That’s a lie and we both know it. You’re not fine, Magnus. I get that--”

“Do you?” Magnus interrupts, voice low and harsh. “Do you really get what it means being stripped of such a fundamental part of yourself?”

“Look,” Alec says, glad they’re finally getting somewhere, thinking he’d take anger over avoidance any day. “I can’t pretend to know what it must be like. All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t deal with it on your own. And I’m here to help.” He pauses, squeezing Magnus’ hand a little harder. “If you’ll let me.”

“How?” Magnus asks and it’s so low Alec can barely hear it. “How can you help me?”

“I don’t know,” Alec admits, chest impossibly tight with emotion. “But I want to try. Just talk to me, Magnus.”

“What do you want me to say?” Magnus laughs. It’s a hard sound. A bitter sound. A sound  Alec is sure he doesn’t want to hear ever again. His laugh dies down to a harsh breath and Magnus stills, tearing his eyes away from Alec’s face and staring straight ahead. “I am quite afraid, Alexander.”

Alec is quiet for a few moments as he tries to process the magnitude of the admission. Magnus is still looking away and Alec takes some time to study him. His makeup is impeccable as usual, his jewelry in place like an armor. He might look alright to the casual observer but Alec knows him. Alec knows how to read him. And right now the tiny wrinkle on his forehead speaks of pain. The curve os his lips speaks of helplessness.

“What are you afraid of?” He asks in a whisper, afraid something louder will make Magnus retreat back behind his shields. The question brings flashbacks of golden sheets and happier times.

Magnus is silent for such a long time that Alec fears he’s not going to answer. But he doesn’t push, willing to wait him out for as long as it’ll take.

At last, Magnus sighs. “I am not used to feel so useless, Alexander. My magic has always been part of me. I’ve always felt it thrumming under my skin, ready to be called upon with a snap of my fingers. It’s always been the only constant in my life and now that I can’t feel it anymore, I’m terrified.”

And Alec can’t even imagine what Magnus must be going through. He thinks it must be a little like what losing a parabatai feels like, only in a much bigger scale. He’s come so close to lose Jace again but he's been spared that excruciating pain for the second time because of the sacrifice Magnus has made.

He swears to himself he’s going to do everything in his power to help Magnus get his magic back, no matter how hard the task may be or how many Clave rules he has to break to do it.

He doesn’t speak, sensing there’s more to what Magnus is saying. He just hums in encouragement and interlaces his fingers with Magnus’.

After another pause,  Magnus starts to talk again, still avoiding eye contact. “I can’t do most of the things I used to and, perhaps, on some level I’m also afraid I’m no longer the man you fell in love with.” When Alec tries to interrupt him, Magnus puts up his hand. “I know this is irrational. I know you love me, Alec, but--”

This time Alec doesn’t even let him finish because what he reads between the lines is that Magnus fears that now that he doesn’t have his powers, he won’t be as useful as he used to be. To Alec and to the Shadowhunters at large. “Yes, I do love you,” he interrupts, because it’s so far from the truth that Alec needs to address it before it takes roots. “I love _you_ for who you are not for what you can or can’t do. Do I wish you’d have your magic back? Of course. But that’s because I know how important it is to _you_. It doesn’t make any difference in the way I love you. I fell in love with the man before the warlock, Magnus.”

Magnus turns toward him, at last, and Alec’s breath is taken away by the whirlwind of emotion he can see flashing in his eyes. “I love you too.” He says out loud. _Thank you_ and _help me_ , Alec hears.

He reaches out with his free hand and cups Magnus’ cheek, leaning over for a kiss, his heart almost skipping a beat when Magnus doesn’t pull back but lets it linger instead. Alec thinks this is the first time Magnus has been so still in days.

When he pulls back he’s pleased to see Magnus’ lips are curved up in a hint of a smile. It’s tentative and weak but it tugs at Alec’s heartstrings nonetheless.

He smiles back. “We’ll get through it,” he says. He’s careful not to make any promises, not out loud at least. “Together.”

“Together,” Magnus repeats, and the single word settles against Alec’s ribcage, warm and comforting.

Alec brings Magnus’ hand to his lips and that’s when he notices it. Magnus’ fingernails are unpolished and it’s so un-Magnus-like that something flickers and leaps up inside of Alec’s chest like a stocked fire.

Alec tries to remember the last time he’s seen Magnus without nail polish but he comes up empty. He’s sure Magnus was wearing it the day before. He also remembers it was chipped in places. Magnus must have taken it off and, apparently, applying nail polish is something else he’s used to do with magic.

Alec doesn't know why he feels so unnerved by such a small detail but what he knows is that it’s a rift in Magnus’ otherwise perfectly crafted armor and Alec knows him well enough to know it must be bothering him. And maybe Alec can't fix any other problem in Magnus’ life right now, but he can fix this. Or at least, he can try.

He's evidently stared at Magnus’ hand too long because next thing he knows, Magnus is starting to pull it away, the other one already hidden under the table.

Alec won’t have any of it.

"It's okay," he whispers, brushing his lips over Magnus' knuckles. "Come on." He stands and tugs at Magnus’ hand, helping him up and leading him to the couch, surprised but pleased by Magnus’ compliance. “Wait here for me.”

Alec doesn't give Magnus time to protest. He releases his hand with a last kiss and turns around, starting to walk toward their bedroom. Once there, he heads toward Magnus’ vanity. He’s not really paid much attention to the organization of Magnus’ makeup but he knows he owns nail polish.

He finds it easily, in the third drawer he tries. There isn’t as much as Alec would have expected but  he guesses it makes sense for one used to paint his nails with magic. He takes out a few bottles, debating for a few moments and settling for a deep burgundy. He knows it’s one of Magnus’ favorites.

When he walks back to the living room, he’s relieved to notice Magnus is still where he left him.  He sits down and places the small bottle on the coffee table. The sounds startles Magnus, who lifts his head up and looks at Alec, a quizzical expression on his face. Understanding replaces the puzzlement as soon as his eyes land on the nail polish bottle.

When Magnus’ lips twitch in amusement, Alec takes it as a small victory.

Magnus doesn’t ask Alec if he’s sure. He doesn’t tell him that he doesn’t have to do it. And Alec likes to think that by now Magnus knows him so well to realize he really wants to. Small as a gesture as it may be, Alec knows it will bring Magnus some comfort and that’s enough for now. It has to be.

He takes the bottle and opens it, leaving the brush still inside and reaching out, palm up, for Magnus’ hand.

Magnus hesitates just for a few seconds and then places his hand on Alec’s palm. “Do you know how to apply nail polish, Alexander?”

“I’m a fast learner,” Alec says. _It can’t be that hard, can it?_ He thinks.

It turns out, applying nail polish is a nightmare. He’s already had to go back to Magnus’ vanity to get some wipes and nail polish remover and he’s lost count of how many times he’s had to clean up the mess he’s made only to start again. And he doesn’t even want to think about that time some cotton from the wipe got stuck on one of the good nails while he was trying to fix the nail next to it and he had to redo both of them.

But Alec has committed to it and he’d be damned if he’ll let some nail polish from hell have the best of him.

Another half hour and several curses later, Alec is finally done. He’s defeated the demonic nail polish and he lives to tell the tale. He refrains himself from making a rude gesture to the deceptively innocent-looking bottle and settles back to admire his work with a smile.

When Magnus tells him with barely contained mirth that he needs to apply a second coat, he doesn’t know how he manages to keep the horror out of his face.

He eyes the bottle of doom warily and he can swear he hears it laughing at him in mockery.

 _The things I do for you,_ he thinks. He sighs and grabs the bottle again, gearing himself up for the second round with the devil.

This time around, Alec is sure it takes him less to finish the job. Marginally less. When he's finally, _finally_ done with the second coat, he's almost tempted to throw away the bottle in retaliation. He refrains from childish payback and puts the bottle to the side instead, glancing at Magnus and following his gaze to his hands.

The result is far from perfect. If he looks closely, he can see smudges here and there, some imperfections and a few air bubbles on some of the nails. But Magnus is looking at them with a small smile, something similar to relief flickering in his eyes now that his armor is whole again.

Alec makes a mental note to buy more bottles of nail polish, the nightmarish experience already forgotten. If he has to be honest with himself, Alec is willing to paint Magnus' nails a hundred time over just to see him smiling like that.

When Magnus still doesn’t say anything, Alec clears his throat. "Next time I'll do it better."

"Next time?" Magnus asks, looking surprised Alec would willingly repeat the experience again.

"Practice makes you better, they say," Alec answers, because of course he would.  

Magnus glances at his hands and back at Alec's face. "Thank you," he says and what Alec reads in his eyes speaks of gratitude and love. "But this is already perfect as it is, darling."

They both know that's a lie but Alec nods, knowing Magnus speaks of some kind of perfection that goes beyond an aesthetically pleasing job.

This time Magnus is the one who closes the distance and kisses him and Alec is helpless to do anything else but pull him closer and kiss him back. It’s slow and soft and unhurried, a small bubble of peace among the whirlwind that’s their life right now.

Alec doesn’t fool himself by thinking a little chat and a crappy manicure are enough to fix everything but Magnus has slowed down a little and it’s a small step in the right direction. After Alec has been feeling like Magnus was going so fast he’d slip through his grasp any minute, he’ll take all the stillness and peace he can get. So he holds him close and kisses him back with everything he’s got, wishing he could still time itself.

Alec doesn’t know how much they spend kissing or how they end up lying on the couch together but he’s not going to complain. He’s comfortable and warm and he’s got Magnus’ head on his shoulder, Magnus’ hand splayed across his stomach.

He sighs as his gaze lands on the table. “We’re gonna have to clean up, eventually.”

“Oh, darling,” Magnus says and Alec thinks the amusement in his voice doesn’t bode well for him. “I’m afraid you’re the one who will have to wash the dishes.”

“ _Me_?” He asks in mock-outrage. “What happened to ‘we’ll clean up together’?”

“You don’t want me to ruin my nails, do you?”

“God no,” Alec blurts out before he can help himself.

Magnus’ puff of breath as he laughs feels warm and tickling over his bare skin, the rumble of his chest is familiar and comforting.  

After Magnus’ laugh dies down, silence settles in the room, both of them too relaxed and comfortable to break it. Alec catches himself yawning a few times and he’s not surprised when he can feel himself starting to doze off, considering _someone_ thought waking him up at the crack of dawn was such a good idea.

Magnus’ fingers slide from his stomach to his chest, up to his throat to trace the deflect rune there, and settle just below his collarbone. Alec’s hand molds perfectly over Magnus’ hip, holding him close like he has wished to do for days.  

The dirty dishes can definitely wait.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Cryptidbane for the lovely banner and for organizing the event. <3 
> 
> Thank you to the other writers for making it so fun!
> 
> Thank you to everyone else for reading. :)
> 
>  
> 
> (And thank you to Kai Raine who pointed out a huge mistake and allowed me to fix it. <3 )


End file.
